For those that noticed, I took a day off yesterday. The batteriies finally ran flat. I got home from the rehab centre and promptly fell asleep on the couch. It had been a tough afternoon and I just couldn’t get Darryl to settle and it felt like a large lump of life had fallen from the sky and flattened me. I have been tired and it is easy to let tiredness taint you perspective, something undoubtedly heightened by the severity of this situation. My sense of sadness, frustration, helplessness and exhaustion all combined to create a perfect storm of utter heartache.
I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes as tightly as I could and just hoped that if I kept them closed for long enough the world as I have come to know it over the past few weeks would go away. I knew it wouldn’t, so keeping my eyes closed was the next best option. I woke to Brenna giving me a kiss goodnight and then went straight to bed to continue my own form of shutdown mode. Almost 12 hours sleep is more than I have had for years. I figure I must have needed it because today the sun came up again and it seemed just a touch warmer and brighter.
For any parent that has gone through this is going through this, they will know what I mean when I say that sometimes you just want the world to go away, for it to stop so you can get off. The reality is, it is just a want for what was and coping mechanism for what is.
But on to more important things, Darryl continues to make his baby steps and was up on the tilt table and also into a new chair today, both of which went really well. He is far more settled now and the seas are finally getting calmer with storming starting to subside!!! I will be so glad for Darryl to see the back of that terrible sympathetic nervous system carpet bombing! I have come to fear and loathe it for the havoc it has put him through.
Darryl again managed to keep his left eye open to a minor extent, just for a short period, in particular when his sister sat on his lap while he was in his chair and asked him for a thumbs up. She was delighted, as were we.
This will be a very long road and we don’t know where it will lead and even if it will lead anywhere. In my heart, I can’t conceive of Darryl not recovering and standing tall again, but it is not my mind that matters in this equation. I know his strength, I know his will and I know his tenacity. What I don’t know, along with anyone else, is what has happened in the depth of his mid brain where so much vital brain function is centered.
So for now we try and focus on what we do know and with every day we erase a little bit of the first picture we were confronted with, little or no chance of recovery. Darryl is the sort of son, brother, friend and employee anyone would want to have. He is someone that has so much to offer and would be too much to lose, for us and everyone. He is still letting us know with his well worked thumb that he is feeling better and while the progress is painfully slow in most ways, it is progress.
As I mentioned in this forum earlier, hope and possibility are the seeds of any miracle and all things seemingly out of arms reach. I cling to these like I did to the pillow last night. Beyond this, the words of hope and support from so many of you are added inspiration for us and Darryl. He knows I believe in him as we all do as family and friends via your comments and heartfelt encouragement.
Indeed if belief is part of healing than he will be a well young man. While words don’t adequately reflect my thanks to those who have been supporting Darryl in his journey of journeys, I do want to say with sincerity that I know it is making a difference. There is a long way to go, but with each day we are further from the start and closer to the destination.
Darryl, I hope as each day passes you get more of you back and put back what got. Your courage is your strength and your will is your guide. Stay true to both and your journey will be your victory.
My love to you always.
Dad
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