Monthly Archive for June, 2009

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Monday 8th May

We have been at this facility now for two weeks and a lot of good progress has been made. I have drawn up a weekly list of milestones that Darryl has achieved and week one was on one page, but week two took up two pages. Both in terms of what extra things he is able to do and the importance of those things, Darryl is doing very well.

Today he went up to the gym and performed a number of tasked aimed at not only establishing his range of movement but also his mental capacity to process the commands given. For example, with your left hand touch your right shoulder then your left knee then your stomach. He also did some weights! Mind you its the first time he’s ever used a 1kg dumbbell but, you have to start somewhere. While being supported in a seated position with me standing in front of him with my hand as a target he pushed the dumbbell in a punching motion. He did this 10 times.

For a lot of the gym session he had his eyes open of his own volition and we noticed that the direction of the eyes is starting to line up more with each other. Until now his eyes have been looking in quite different directions which again is due to the damage to the nerves that control eye function.

He again did some leg raises with his left leg and he was even able to put his hand down on his thigh to feel his muscles working as he did so. This was all followed up by some good stretches of his torso and lower back which he seemed to enjoy.

I showed the physio (like a proud father would of milestone achievements) how he could put the dog whistle in his mouth. He didn’t disappoint and repeated his efforts from Sunday.

The physio was overall very pleased with the progress seen. I was not so much surprised as relieved that what I know in my heart Darryl is capable of, he is now slowly achieving.

It is exhausting for him, but then that what bother him either. What will bother him is not moving fast enough the challenge moving forward will be a very familiar one to me, to get him do be patient for the result.

Who am I trying to kid! He got himself in this place because of his character and a he’ll get himself out the same way. I’ll just try and ensure that if he ‘falls’ I’m here to catch him this time.

Darryl, remember that the mountain you are removing has started with carrying away small stones, but it is still a mountain. The key is to take it one pile of stones at a time and when it gets heavy remember we are here to share in that load.

Keep strong mate.

Dad

Sunday 7th June

The blinds finally opened!! Today for the first time Darryl was able to open his own his eyes unassisted. It was hard to believe, in fact it almost seemed unreal. But it was real. It was real.

Darryl’s best mate Eric came down with one of his dogs and I lowered Darryl’s bed down and we put a few towels around so that we could get Taz (the dog) close to Darryl. I opened Darryl’s eyes and he immediately reached out to touch Taz, then before long he was patting him and when I suggested it, he even reached out and held Taz by his rather oversized ears. Darry’ls movements were really controlled and purposeful. But when I moved to get into a better position I looked back and Darryl and noticed that his eyes were actually open. His left eye was over half open and the right was about a third. And for the next five minutes or so Darryl blinked and re-opened his eyes himself! What a thrill, what a breakthrough, what a releif.

But it didn’t end there. Darryl continued to pat Taz, but a wee while later I got out Darryl’s dog whistle and held it in front of him. He reached out and grabbed it between his thumb and forefinger and slowly moved it to his mouth. He opened his mouth and placed the whistle carefully between his teeth, sealed his lips around it and then proceeded to try and blow it. He couldn’t because his trachie is still in, but again, I just sat there with my gob open watching on with pride and happiness beaming all over the place. Shortly after that, we gave Eric a bottle of brown ‘fizzy water’ and darryl carefully took it from his hand, then moved it to his mouth, placing the end of it in his mouth and raising it up as if to drink. He then passed it back to Eric.

Shortly after that Catherine arrived with Brenna and I got Darryl to show here his one to five – fingers up and down routine, but I added a bit of maths to it. I asked what 1+1 was and he put up 2 fingers. Then 3+1, he put up 4 fingers, then 5-2 and he put up 3 fingers. All quick as a flash. Not long after Breen wanted to give Darryl a hug so we knelt her on the edge of the bed and she lay her head down on his chest. I said “give your sister a hug Darryl” and he put his arm around her gave her the first hug he has give in 6 weeks. Beautiful.

We got Taz back to see Darryl again before Eric needed to leave and Darryl continued to reach out calmly and pat him. The amazing thing was after Taz had gone that Darryl was able to reach down to the top of his thigh and rub his own leg. He has all of a suddenly got a whole range of movement and control out of his arm.

What a day! He just seems to be breaking out of the chains that have held him dormant for 6 weeks. I am really looking forward to getting that trachie out of his neck and seeing if he can get any speech back. What a difference that would make.

Darryl, today was the first time since this happened that I felt real joy. Just watching you turn your baby steps into large strides right in front of my eyes was magical. I will sleep easy tonight and tomorrow can’t come soon enough.

Love you Darryl.

Dad

Saturday 6th June

Six weeks ago today. There are no words can can adequately describe the experiences that have re-shaped our lives during this time. Suffice to say that we have all been to ‘places’ we never thought existed and slowly but surely Darryl is leading us back. Thanks also to you his family, friends and supporters who have joined us in this journey.

Today was a quiet one. On the weekends he doesn’t do physio so there is little to report. He continues to communicate to us, but now uses a range of finger signals. He is very aware of what is happening around him and although the damage to the nerves that control his eye function mean that he is struggling to open his eyes on his own, each day he seems more able to keep them partially open (after we open them for him). His blink is getting stronger and stronger and it would appear that damage in this area may be starting to heal.

He slept well for most of the day, which is fantastic because good sleep at this stage is time for good healing. I do feel that he has turned something of a corner and when this trachie comes out, I think he will feel a lot more comfortable as well. I am looking forward to next week when he gets back to the gym for stretching and activity. I know he gets a lot out of it physically and mentally and that all has to be good for this healing process.

So a quiet settled day with not too much to report other than the fact that now I am writing about his recovery and the progress he is making. Just a few short weeks ago I was writing about his fight for life and the nightmare he was trapped in. I can’t tell you how much relief I feel in writing now, as a result.

I has been hard not to question so much over this time and the cruelty of life that it should strike down such fine young guy, but I have NEVER and will never question the spirit, strength and unfaltering courage of my son. That is a cure if I ever saw one!

Proud of you mate.

Dad

Friday 5th June

One small step for those afflicted by traumatic brain injury, one huge step for Darryl!  Today while seated in his famed lazy boy on wheels the physio asked Darryl to try lifting his foot off the footrest.  I held my breath and watched like my life depended on it, but in the back of my mind knowing the most I had got him to do with his feet was wiggle his toes.  My eyes welled up as I saw his left leg from the knee down slowly being to rise from the footrest.  About 8 inches he raised his foot then when asked to put it back down he did. This process happened twice.  It was a beautiful thing!  My heart swelled with pride.

Today also saw another milestone with Darryl’s eyes as he managed to open his left (eye just a few millimetres), but he did it himself.  He is also now taking his first steps to removing the trachie from his neck with the cuff being deflated and he is breathing fine.  By mid next week it should be out – I hope. The speech language therapist did some work on Darryls face today as well, just gently stimulating the nerves in his face with touch.  This process is aimed at getting the many muscles in the face activated by trying to stimulate nerves in key areas.  She was pleased with the responses she saw from Darryl and is encouraged by his swallowing and tongue movements, all of which are relevant in terms of potential speech post trachie removal.

But the highlight of the day was when 4 men in black walked into his room to add their support to the mix.  Graham Henry, Tanerau Latimer, Stephen Donald and one of the management team Joe Locke.  It’s a hell of a way to get to meet the top rugby coach and players in the country Darryl.  Mind you Darryl and Graham’s paths crossed almost 6 weeks ago when he aso had occasion to be visiting a person in critical care.  Having learned of Darryls injury he wrote Darryl a note of support and encouragement which we kept under his pillow everyday.

Graham was really bouyed by Darryl’s progress saying quietly to me “He looks a hell of a lot better than the last time I saw him, well done”.  Graham Steven and Tanerau all shared words of encouragement with Darryl and we snapped off a few photos.  Darryl was then lucky enough (please excuse the obvious irony in that expression) to be given an All Blacks training jersey.  I held Darryl’s eye open as the jersey was held in front of him and then put it in front of him and said “Take it Darryl, you’ve earnt this one the hard way”.  Darryl reached out his hand in a controlled in focused way and gripped the jersey, clutching it to his chest.  Joe Locke later told me that the jersey was Graham Henry’s own and when we checked the bottom right of the hem, sure enough we saw GH embroidered into the shirt.  What an honour for Darryl, something I know would mean the world to him and will be something I hope will inspire him through the long months we have ahead.

I was touched by the sincerity of Graham and the players who made the special trip to see him.  They will never know the lift this will have given him, but I do, and I am so pleased for Darryl that they took the time to be there.  Graham set Darryl a little challenge with the upcoming test against Australia in 6 weeks time in Auckland.  He wants Darryl to be able to watch that game, so the challenge is there and if I know Darryl, he will do his utmost to rise to it.  Lets face it, he’s already risen to places thought beyond him.

Tonight he is resting well, his sleep so much more healing in it’s calmness and his shattered world somehow more together than it has been for weeks.  The days and months that lay ahead hold so much more promise of hope and possiblity when this calm is with him, so long may it remain.

Darryl, 6 weeks tomorrow since D-Day.  In all my life I have never known so much hurt, anguish, sorrow and fear.  For each horror emotion however, you have countered it with your courage, will and strength to a point that the belief I have always had in you has been galvanised beyond destruction.  There is no medicine or doctor in the world that can replicate the formula you are applying to claw back each inch of your recovery.  For no doctor could replicate the you, in you.

I’m proud of you Darryl, because you are you.

Dad

Thursday 4th June

Another good day for Darryl.  His passive stretches this morning showed he had some increased range of motion in his arms which have been so tight from all the storming over the past weeks.  The physio was very pleased with the added flexibility and range of motion, but it comes at a painful price.  Darryl gave a solid thumbs up when I enquired as to whether he was hurting.  To his credit it was followed by another thumb when I asked if he could handle it.

He slept after that until his 11 oclock session up at the gym.  He was obviously having a good rest, because having been hoisted off his bed into a chair, wheeled up to the gym, stretched and manipulated, then strapped to a tilt table and stood upright before he finally woke up.  Once he did though, he was responding well and his eyes stayed open more than we have seen before.  Still only a little open, but it was his doing.  That is significant as it shows the nerves in this critical area of the brain stem which have been damaged by the pressure as his brain in the hours after the injury, are showing signs of healing.

His eyes were also following moving objects better than yesterday and his arm raising above his head was better also.  The highlight came though when my mother and father arrived in the gym and I said to Darryl to show them his 1,2,3,4,5 fingers up.  Then the physio said give your Grandma a wave – which he then did!   And so another milestone is reached.

Today instead of beerotherapy I took his greenstone dog whistle to the gym which he managed to hold carefully in his fingertips.  He wasn’t able to get it to his lips, but at one stage it fell and he managed to close his fingers to catch it with the fine string tied to it.  That was impressive.  I popped it in his mouth, and while he couldn’t blow it because he still has a trachie in his throat rediverting air, but he tried and I could see his chest rising and falling as he gave it a go.

On his way back from the gym I asked the physios to take the ‘long way home’  so I could show Darryl the outside of the facility.  We stopped a couple of times and popped his eyes open so we could show him the lay of the land and then the house which he is staying in.   His eyes were taking it all in, one at a time.  We then showed him the kitchen, the hallway and the entrance to his room.  Hopefully this will help give him a sense of his surroundings until he can keep his eyes open himself.

On returning to his room he went back to bed and slept well all afternoon until 5 pm.  The good rest continued into the evening.  I can’t tell you how rewarding it is just to have quiet restful sleep.  All the nurses and staff have commented on these small gains and his increasing level of comfort.

Tomorrow we start trachie weaning.  This involves slowly removing functions of the trachie and if he copes with it and continues to swallow secretions and keep his oxygen saturation up then the tube in his throat will come out.  That will make a difference because he is constantly knocking and raking across it with his right hand.  So much so that there has been quite a bit of blood coming up from it.

So the journey continues and Darryl remains steadfast in his task.  The last few weeks have taken me to places I didn’t know existed and shattered the world that I shared with Darryl.  But little by little he is putting back the pieces into some semblence of what was.  I am witnessing a slow motion evolution of the human spirit from the ashes of devastation.

I often wonder why something like this could happen to someone like this, the seeming injustice and cruelty of it all.  I have so often tried to convince myself that this is part of the test of life and that life tends to deliver what will be the measure of those ‘tested’.  So it would be that Darryl would have this test of tests, the true test of himself, body, mind, spirit and soul.  But as you will have read, this has also angered me because this is a test no-one should have to endure.

The reality is however, that once the dye is cast  the choice is simple.  Stand and fight or laydown and surrender, the former has and will always be running through Darryl’s veins, no question.  And I celebrate each victory he has in this fight as reinforcement of that.

I take my hat off to you mate.  Your fight is something we all share in, but more importantly we all learn from.  We learn about the power of the human spirit to rise to the test, to never lay down and to unravel hope from the twisted shreds of fate.  I am proud to know you and a better man for having you in my life.

Dad

Wednesday 3rd June

What a delight it is to see Darryl sleeping deeply, restfully and calmly.  You can almost see the healing going on it is so blissful.  It may sound something unremarkable but for five and a half weeks Darryl has battled the storming which has plagued him.  Restful sleep is something almost forgotten to him.  So to see it now is something I want to bottle!

Another positive development came today when Darryl was loaded up into another lazy boy of the hot rod variety and was wheeled outside for the first time in almost weeks.  It doesn’t end there, as he was simply in transit to the gym, Jim, but not as we know it!  Wow, what a delight it was to see him being stretched on the large benchs they have there.  One of the physios got behind him and while sitting on a swiss ball, with another locking his feet down to the floor, his torso was twisted pulled and stretched, all of which was welcomed with a series of thumbs up.  Again, it was good to see Darryl getting some sort of physical work which I know he has literally been aching for.

Of course the trick is to not overdo it, as he tires very quickly and too much can be too exhausting which then causes set backs.  So it’s baby gym steps, but good stuff all the same.

During the session he was able to keep his eyes open (just partially open) at times which is a great sign that the damage to the 3rd nerve that controls so much of the eye  function, including opening, may be starting to resolve.  We hope this is the case, but time will tell.  We are spending a lot of time opening his eyes for him and stimulating some sort of normal eye opening and blinking activities to see if the neurons responsible for this will start to spark up.

As mentioned earlier we are now confident he has risen from the coma and is in a low level of conciousness but he is conscious and now we are getting the second part of the deal, the eyes open, a fraction of a millimeter at a time.  It funny how I have come to measure success in such tiny gradients, but success in respective and any amount of it is a damn sight better than none at all!

This morning for example I arrived to see Darryl awake and we went through our usual greeting process of thumbs up.  The night before I had been wondering at about 3 am if in fact Darryl could also signal with other fingers on his hand, other than his thumb.  In any event I said to Darryl that to give his thumb a break how about he held up two fingers – bang, up went his forefinger and index finger.  OK then how about three – bang, up went three.  Four then – bang, and then five.  Sharp as a dart.  I surprised the physios with this at the gym also.  Just as before he repeated his newest party trick.  Then to add a little to that I asked him to raise his hand toward the ceiling, which he did.  He could only get his hand to just above his head given the toning in his arms restricting his muscle extension, but it was purposeful and controlled.

Then we took it to another level with him reaching for a small coloured cone and gripping it and then passing it back to me.  He could only reach 8 inches or so, but he did it in a controlled and purposeful manner and it was excellent control.  I suggested to the physio that there may be another motivator that I had tried two and a half weeks ago in hospital.  It was a little of an eyebrow raiser when I said I had a stubbie of beer that  I used as a trigger for senses earlier.  They said to grab it, which I duly did.

I opened one of his eyes and put it out in front of him.  “Here you go Darryl, have a beer”.  To which he slowly reached out, gripped it and slowly brought the top of it to his mouth!!!  I swear it if it didn’t have to cap on it he would have had a swig as well.  Brilliant!

This may sound a little ‘odd’, but we had been told that familiar smells were a good thing to help stimulate consciousness and the two most ’stirring’ smells I could think of for Darryl was his smelly cattle dogs and a fresh beer.  So I snuck a stubbie into the hospital a couple of weeks ago, popped  the top and put it under his nose and told him to sniff.  What a reaction!  He sniffed alright.  He just about snorted the top inch of the stubbie and his arms moved all over the place. 

I said Darryl do you know what that is and the thumbs up rocketed up and just about poked his own eye out.  It was the best one we had seen ever.  A day later the same process but with a nice coffee illicited the same reaction although not quite as enthusastically.  But very definitive responses.   I know it’s unconventional but if it floats the boat it’s worth a go.   

So the physios were impressed by his control with the beer, but later I was reminded that it is an alcohol and drug free environment, so that is the last Darryl will see of Dad’s beerotherapy!  I’ll use his dog whislte, because he’s done the same with that. 

Aside from this he was able to look at two different coloured cones and track his eyeball on command to each colour.  Another milestone to add to his slowly growing list.

It is slow and the successes are in some cases minute, but it fills me with pride and refuels the tanks with hope and possiblity.  It was a very good first week in the rehab and while I am more often scared to celebrate too confidently success for fear of a set back that can often follow, it is hard not to feel encouraged that there are more forward steps than not, small or not.

Darryl, the  belief I have in you is matched only by the love I feel for you.  The hope and possiblity I hold onto are like keys to open the doors that have closed in front of you, but I know in my heart that your courage and will are really the ‘key’ and there is no door that you can’t open with that.

Keep passing the test of you mate.

Dad

Tuesday 2nd June

For those that noticed, I took a day off yesterday.  The batteriies finally ran flat.  I got home from the rehab centre and promptly fell asleep on the couch.  It had been a tough afternoon and I just couldn’t get Darryl to settle and it felt like a large lump of life had fallen from the sky and flattened me.  I have been tired and it is easy to let tiredness taint you perspective, something undoubtedly heightened by the severity of this situation.  My sense of sadness, frustration, helplessness and exhaustion all combined to create a perfect storm of utter heartache.

 

 

 

I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes as tightly as I could and just hoped that if I kept them closed for long enough the world as I have come to know it over the past few weeks would go away.  I knew it wouldn’t, so keeping my eyes closed was the next best option.  I woke to Brenna giving me a kiss goodnight and then went straight to bed to continue my own form of shutdown mode.  Almost 12 hours sleep is more than I have had for years.  I figure I must have needed it because today the sun came up again and it seemed just a touch warmer and brighter. 

For any parent that has gone through this is going through this, they will know what I mean when I say that sometimes you just want the world to go away, for it to stop so you can get off.  The reality is, it is just a want for what was and coping mechanism for what is. 

But on to more important things, Darryl continues to make his baby steps and was up on the tilt table and also into a new chair today, both of which went really well.  He is far more settled now and the seas are finally getting calmer with storming starting to subside!!!  I will be so glad for Darryl to see the back of that terrible sympathetic nervous system carpet bombing!  I have come to fear and loathe it for the havoc it has put him through.

Darryl again managed to keep his left eye open to a minor extent, just for a short period, in particular when his sister sat on his lap while he was in his chair and asked him for a thumbs up.  She was delighted, as were we.

This will be a very long road and we don’t know where it will lead and even if it will lead anywhere.  In my heart, I can’t conceive of Darryl not recovering and standing tall again, but it is not my mind that matters in this equation.  I know his strength, I know his will and I know his tenacity.  What I don’t know, along with anyone else, is what has happened in the depth of his mid brain where so much vital brain function is centered.

So for now we try and focus on what we do know and with every day we erase a little bit of the first picture we were confronted with, little or no chance of recovery.  Darryl is the sort of son, brother, friend and employee anyone would want to have.  He is someone that has so much to offer and would be too much to lose, for us and everyone.  He is still letting us know with his well worked thumb that he is feeling better and while the progress is painfully slow in most ways, it is progress.

As I mentioned in this forum earlier, hope and possibility are the seeds of any miracle and all things seemingly out of arms reach.  I cling to these like I did to the pillow last night.  Beyond this, the words of hope and support from so many of you are added inspiration for us and Darryl.  He knows I believe in him as we all do as family and friends via your comments and heartfelt encouragement.

Indeed if belief is part of healing than he will be a well young man.  While words don’t adequately reflect my thanks to those who have been supporting Darryl in his journey of journeys, I do want to say with sincerity that I know it is making a difference.  There is a long way to go, but with each day we are further from the start and closer to the destination. 

Darryl, I hope as each day passes you get more of you back and put back what got.  Your courage is your strength and your will is your guide.  Stay true to both and your journey will be your victory.

My love to you always.

Dad