Thursday 4th June

Published on 4 June 2009 in Progress. 11 Comments

Another good day for Darryl.  His passive stretches this morning showed he had some increased range of motion in his arms which have been so tight from all the storming over the past weeks.  The physio was very pleased with the added flexibility and range of motion, but it comes at a painful price.  Darryl gave a solid thumbs up when I enquired as to whether he was hurting.  To his credit it was followed by another thumb when I asked if he could handle it.

He slept after that until his 11 oclock session up at the gym.  He was obviously having a good rest, because having been hoisted off his bed into a chair, wheeled up to the gym, stretched and manipulated, then strapped to a tilt table and stood upright before he finally woke up.  Once he did though, he was responding well and his eyes stayed open more than we have seen before.  Still only a little open, but it was his doing.  That is significant as it shows the nerves in this critical area of the brain stem which have been damaged by the pressure as his brain in the hours after the injury, are showing signs of healing.

His eyes were also following moving objects better than yesterday and his arm raising above his head was better also.  The highlight came though when my mother and father arrived in the gym and I said to Darryl to show them his 1,2,3,4,5 fingers up.  Then the physio said give your Grandma a wave – which he then did!   And so another milestone is reached.

Today instead of beerotherapy I took his greenstone dog whistle to the gym which he managed to hold carefully in his fingertips.  He wasn’t able to get it to his lips, but at one stage it fell and he managed to close his fingers to catch it with the fine string tied to it.  That was impressive.  I popped it in his mouth, and while he couldn’t blow it because he still has a trachie in his throat rediverting air, but he tried and I could see his chest rising and falling as he gave it a go.

On his way back from the gym I asked the physios to take the ‘long way home’  so I could show Darryl the outside of the facility.  We stopped a couple of times and popped his eyes open so we could show him the lay of the land and then the house which he is staying in.   His eyes were taking it all in, one at a time.  We then showed him the kitchen, the hallway and the entrance to his room.  Hopefully this will help give him a sense of his surroundings until he can keep his eyes open himself.

On returning to his room he went back to bed and slept well all afternoon until 5 pm.  The good rest continued into the evening.  I can’t tell you how rewarding it is just to have quiet restful sleep.  All the nurses and staff have commented on these small gains and his increasing level of comfort.

Tomorrow we start trachie weaning.  This involves slowly removing functions of the trachie and if he copes with it and continues to swallow secretions and keep his oxygen saturation up then the tube in his throat will come out.  That will make a difference because he is constantly knocking and raking across it with his right hand.  So much so that there has been quite a bit of blood coming up from it.

So the journey continues and Darryl remains steadfast in his task.  The last few weeks have taken me to places I didn’t know existed and shattered the world that I shared with Darryl.  But little by little he is putting back the pieces into some semblence of what was.  I am witnessing a slow motion evolution of the human spirit from the ashes of devastation.

I often wonder why something like this could happen to someone like this, the seeming injustice and cruelty of it all.  I have so often tried to convince myself that this is part of the test of life and that life tends to deliver what will be the measure of those ‘tested’.  So it would be that Darryl would have this test of tests, the true test of himself, body, mind, spirit and soul.  But as you will have read, this has also angered me because this is a test no-one should have to endure.

The reality is however, that once the dye is cast  the choice is simple.  Stand and fight or laydown and surrender, the former has and will always be running through Darryl’s veins, no question.  And I celebrate each victory he has in this fight as reinforcement of that.

I take my hat off to you mate.  Your fight is something we all share in, but more importantly we all learn from.  We learn about the power of the human spirit to rise to the test, to never lay down and to unravel hope from the twisted shreds of fate.  I am proud to know you and a better man for having you in my life.

Dad

Wednesday 3rd June

Published on 4 June 2009 in Progress. 20 Comments

What a delight it is to see Darryl sleeping deeply, restfully and calmly.  You can almost see the healing going on it is so blissful.  It may sound something unremarkable but for five and a half weeks Darryl has battled the storming which has plagued him.  Restful sleep is something almost forgotten to him.  So to see it now is something I want to bottle!

Another positive development came today when Darryl was loaded up into another lazy boy of the hot rod variety and was wheeled outside for the first time in almost weeks.  It doesn’t end there, as he was simply in transit to the gym, Jim, but not as we know it!  Wow, what a delight it was to see him being stretched on the large benchs they have there.  One of the physios got behind him and while sitting on a swiss ball, with another locking his feet down to the floor, his torso was twisted pulled and stretched, all of which was welcomed with a series of thumbs up.  Again, it was good to see Darryl getting some sort of physical work which I know he has literally been aching for.

Of course the trick is to not overdo it, as he tires very quickly and too much can be too exhausting which then causes set backs.  So it’s baby gym steps, but good stuff all the same.

During the session he was able to keep his eyes open (just partially open) at times which is a great sign that the damage to the 3rd nerve that controls so much of the eye  function, including opening, may be starting to resolve.  We hope this is the case, but time will tell.  We are spending a lot of time opening his eyes for him and stimulating some sort of normal eye opening and blinking activities to see if the neurons responsible for this will start to spark up.

As mentioned earlier we are now confident he has risen from the coma and is in a low level of conciousness but he is conscious and now we are getting the second part of the deal, the eyes open, a fraction of a millimeter at a time.  It funny how I have come to measure success in such tiny gradients, but success in respective and any amount of it is a damn sight better than none at all!

This morning for example I arrived to see Darryl awake and we went through our usual greeting process of thumbs up.  The night before I had been wondering at about 3 am if in fact Darryl could also signal with other fingers on his hand, other than his thumb.  In any event I said to Darryl that to give his thumb a break how about he held up two fingers – bang, up went his forefinger and index finger.  OK then how about three – bang, up went three.  Four then – bang, and then five.  Sharp as a dart.  I surprised the physios with this at the gym also.  Just as before he repeated his newest party trick.  Then to add a little to that I asked him to raise his hand toward the ceiling, which he did.  He could only get his hand to just above his head given the toning in his arms restricting his muscle extension, but it was purposeful and controlled.

Then we took it to another level with him reaching for a small coloured cone and gripping it and then passing it back to me.  He could only reach 8 inches or so, but he did it in a controlled and purposeful manner and it was excellent control.  I suggested to the physio that there may be another motivator that I had tried two and a half weeks ago in hospital.  It was a little of an eyebrow raiser when I said I had a stubbie of beer that  I used as a trigger for senses earlier.  They said to grab it, which I duly did.

I opened one of his eyes and put it out in front of him.  “Here you go Darryl, have a beer”.  To which he slowly reached out, gripped it and slowly brought the top of it to his mouth!!!  I swear it if it didn’t have to cap on it he would have had a swig as well.  Brilliant!

This may sound a little ‘odd’, but we had been told that familiar smells were a good thing to help stimulate consciousness and the two most ’stirring’ smells I could think of for Darryl was his smelly cattle dogs and a fresh beer.  So I snuck a stubbie into the hospital a couple of weeks ago, popped  the top and put it under his nose and told him to sniff.  What a reaction!  He sniffed alright.  He just about snorted the top inch of the stubbie and his arms moved all over the place. 

I said Darryl do you know what that is and the thumbs up rocketed up and just about poked his own eye out.  It was the best one we had seen ever.  A day later the same process but with a nice coffee illicited the same reaction although not quite as enthusastically.  But very definitive responses.   I know it’s unconventional but if it floats the boat it’s worth a go.   

So the physios were impressed by his control with the beer, but later I was reminded that it is an alcohol and drug free environment, so that is the last Darryl will see of Dad’s beerotherapy!  I’ll use his dog whislte, because he’s done the same with that. 

Aside from this he was able to look at two different coloured cones and track his eyeball on command to each colour.  Another milestone to add to his slowly growing list.

It is slow and the successes are in some cases minute, but it fills me with pride and refuels the tanks with hope and possiblity.  It was a very good first week in the rehab and while I am more often scared to celebrate too confidently success for fear of a set back that can often follow, it is hard not to feel encouraged that there are more forward steps than not, small or not.

Darryl, the  belief I have in you is matched only by the love I feel for you.  The hope and possiblity I hold onto are like keys to open the doors that have closed in front of you, but I know in my heart that your courage and will are really the ‘key’ and there is no door that you can’t open with that.

Keep passing the test of you mate.

Dad

Tuesday 2nd June

Published on 3 June 2009 in Progress. 11 Comments

For those that noticed, I took a day off yesterday.  The batteriies finally ran flat.  I got home from the rehab centre and promptly fell asleep on the couch.  It had been a tough afternoon and I just couldn’t get Darryl to settle and it felt like a large lump of life had fallen from the sky and flattened me.  I have been tired and it is easy to let tiredness taint you perspective, something undoubtedly heightened by the severity of this situation.  My sense of sadness, frustration, helplessness and exhaustion all combined to create a perfect storm of utter heartache.

 

 

 

I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes as tightly as I could and just hoped that if I kept them closed for long enough the world as I have come to know it over the past few weeks would go away.  I knew it wouldn’t, so keeping my eyes closed was the next best option.  I woke to Brenna giving me a kiss goodnight and then went straight to bed to continue my own form of shutdown mode.  Almost 12 hours sleep is more than I have had for years.  I figure I must have needed it because today the sun came up again and it seemed just a touch warmer and brighter. 

For any parent that has gone through this is going through this, they will know what I mean when I say that sometimes you just want the world to go away, for it to stop so you can get off.  The reality is, it is just a want for what was and coping mechanism for what is. 

But on to more important things, Darryl continues to make his baby steps and was up on the tilt table and also into a new chair today, both of which went really well.  He is far more settled now and the seas are finally getting calmer with storming starting to subside!!!  I will be so glad for Darryl to see the back of that terrible sympathetic nervous system carpet bombing!  I have come to fear and loathe it for the havoc it has put him through.

Darryl again managed to keep his left eye open to a minor extent, just for a short period, in particular when his sister sat on his lap while he was in his chair and asked him for a thumbs up.  She was delighted, as were we.

This will be a very long road and we don’t know where it will lead and even if it will lead anywhere.  In my heart, I can’t conceive of Darryl not recovering and standing tall again, but it is not my mind that matters in this equation.  I know his strength, I know his will and I know his tenacity.  What I don’t know, along with anyone else, is what has happened in the depth of his mid brain where so much vital brain function is centered.

So for now we try and focus on what we do know and with every day we erase a little bit of the first picture we were confronted with, little or no chance of recovery.  Darryl is the sort of son, brother, friend and employee anyone would want to have.  He is someone that has so much to offer and would be too much to lose, for us and everyone.  He is still letting us know with his well worked thumb that he is feeling better and while the progress is painfully slow in most ways, it is progress.

As I mentioned in this forum earlier, hope and possibility are the seeds of any miracle and all things seemingly out of arms reach.  I cling to these like I did to the pillow last night.  Beyond this, the words of hope and support from so many of you are added inspiration for us and Darryl.  He knows I believe in him as we all do as family and friends via your comments and heartfelt encouragement.

Indeed if belief is part of healing than he will be a well young man.  While words don’t adequately reflect my thanks to those who have been supporting Darryl in his journey of journeys, I do want to say with sincerity that I know it is making a difference.  There is a long way to go, but with each day we are further from the start and closer to the destination. 

Darryl, I hope as each day passes you get more of you back and put back what got.  Your courage is your strength and your will is your guide.  Stay true to both and your journey will be your victory.

My love to you always.

Dad

Sunday 31st May

Published on 31 May 2009 in Progress. 22 Comments

A good day today.  Darryl slept well and was also resting very peacefully until about 11 am this morning when he had a visit from Leo and Colin from up north.  These are two of Darryl’s dog trialling friends, mentors and people Darryl has a lot of respect for and has learnt much from.  They were passing through on their way to the national dog trials, something Darryl would have no doubt travelled to as well.

Darryl had been learning to trial his dog Jimmy, and was doing very well, placing and even winning some novice competitions.  We were so pleased for Darryl that he was getting into the sport as we hoped it would be a focus away from the temptation of playing rugby.  True to form for Darryl though, he just did everything.

Leo and Colin chatted as Darryl started to rouse and then I opened his eyes (one at a time to prevent double vision) to see the visitors waiting for him.  He thumbs up was deliberate and meaningful as he saw two of his mentors standing at his bedside.  He seemed calm and was definitely taking it all in,  but the real surprise came when I noticed that the eyes that I had opened, when I let them go were remaining partially open.  It wasn’t a lot but definitely about a quarter open.  He was unable to open them further but he was able to keep them partially open.   

I had an idea and went to the house manager and explained the situation and asked if Leo could walk his dog around the back of the building to where Darryl’s room was so he could see the dog at the doorway to outside.  She was happy for this and so along came ‘Pet’, Leo’s dog and I positioned Darryl so he could see her as I opened his eyes.  Again he took it all in and you could almost read the expression in his eyes.  It was great.

After they left he settled back down and slept well through some of the afternoon and woke a little later and shared some time with his brother and sister.  He seems a lot more settled and sweats less as his levels of pain and comfort no doubt improve.  A day at a time he inches his way back and seems to have more restful sleep, which is critical to his healing.  The brain needs low stimulation, quiet and sleep, in large quantities.  So when he is getting that it  is something that gives us comfort as it is a feeling of complete helplessness when he is in discomfort and distress that we are unable to remedy.

The only stress of the day was blood clots coming up from his trachie.  This also happened yesterday but it seemed to have resolved until he once again coughed some largely old looking blood up late this afternoon.  It could be from the suctioning tubes or possibly from his arm being raked across his neck catching on it or pushing it further in.  As he has been on blood thinning medication a tear in the tissue could conceivably bleed more than usual leaving clots at the base of the trachie to be coughed out when he is agitated.  I hope it isn’t more than that.  His temperature is relatively stable so hopefully it is not an infection. 

On the whole though Darryl had one of his better days to date and the only reluctance I have in writing that, or even thinking it, is that the falls seem to so often follow the rises.  Lets hope that won’t be the case, he has been fighting so hard and tolerating so much he deserves a break and a few more ‘runs on the board’.

Keep it up Darryl, I couldn’t be more proud of the resolve you have, and continue to show.  Keep winning that test of you.

Dad

Saturday 30th May

Published on 30 May 2009 in Progress. 5 Comments

Five weeks.

Five weeks ago he had the world at his feet.

Five weeks later we celebrate he can touch his nose with his finger. 

Five weeks

It was a quiet day.  Little to report other than the strong grip Darryl gave my hand when I read him the poem I wrote last night.  Each day I share a moment of quiet motivation and encouragement and today it was that.  

It was a decisive grip and I could feel the determination in his clench. 

Five weeks.

Five weeks since a journey to a place far away.

Five weeks past on the long way back.

Five weeks.

Dad

Friday 29th May

Published on 30 May 2009 in Progress. 6 Comments

Darryl had a good day today and was responding really well to physio.  I think he needs to get moving and stretching as he is no doubt sick of lying in bed and equally tight because of it.  He was able to touch his eyebrows, nose and mouth and also answer a range of questions by the occupational therapists by either showing a thumbs down, or a thumbs up and then wiggling his thumb.

My brother Len and his wife came along to see Darryl today and Len noticed a lot of improvement from the last time he was down a week or so ago.  I guess being with him so much you don’t notice the total improvements, so it was good to get that feedback from Len.  It makes progress seem more real.

I spent some time today opening Darryl’s eyes and showing him pictures, the signed Northland jersey he has been sent and other momentoes.  He recognised his dog Jim and responded well to the photos.  Again this seems unbelievable given his state of unconciousness, but as I understand it he is slowly moving from what has technically been a coma to a state of very low consciousness.  In essence the damage to the brain stem which controls the level of consciousness, eye opening, pupil dilation amongst other things leaves him in this low consciousness state, which we hope he is slowly fighting his way out of as the trauma of the injury begins to reduce.

In some ways the confusion of this sort of brain injury makes it easier to deal with because it lends itself to large helpings of hope and possibility in the absence of certain answers.  A more prescriptive and defined prognosis could potentially be far more frightening given the devastation of the injury.  I have done a lot of reading and searching the net for examples of brain injury of this nature and it is a harrowing experience I’d compare to tip-toeing through a mine field with a pair of diving flippers on, dragging your catch bag behind you.  Something is going to blow up in your face!     

The progress is and will be slow, but progress is progress and that we are thankful for albeit the uncertainty is only matched by the emotional turmoil that ambushes all of us at random and without warning.  The strength of Darryl, his determination to achieve all he can is proving its worth in his survival and will do so in his recovery.

 Darryl, know this in your heart:

When all around are struggling, and chaos fills the air,

When all the tides are turning and the pressure is hard to bear

When most are falling to their knees and few will hold their feet

When the white flags are being hoisted and the masses are all but beat

It is then that strength must guide you and calm must be your friend 

It is then that you must swim strongest and to nothing you must bend

It is then that you must stand tallest and be most steady on your feet   

It is then you must fight hardest and never surrender to defeat  

And then when victory is yours to savour it will be so rich and true

For Darryl nothing in this world can compare to passing this test of you.

Keep strong and true Darryl.

Dad

Thursday 28th May

Published on 28 May 2009 in Progress. 9 Comments

The journey continues as does the waiting and hoping.  Darryl was a little more unsettled today so he had less physio in favour of rest.  When he did rest he looked heartbreakingly peaceful.  Such a contrast the utter chaos of emotion that surrounds him.

He gave me a thumbs up today when I asked him if he was felling better being at this facility and out of hospital.  Understandable given the large team all around him focused on his every rehab need I guess.  They are a truly special bunch.  Just what the ‘doctor ordered’ for such a special young man.

He is still storming and we have been working hard to try and ‘break’ the tone in his muscles and relax him by stretching his legs and torso, changing his positions and looking for any triggers that may set it off and trying to anticipate them.  Just when you think he is getting better in this regard, he sparks up and away he goes again.

This evening after stretching his legs and trying to settle him down I sat quietly beside him and held his hand.  I talked quietly with him and shared some father son advice and encouragement.  His breathing slowed and he seemed to be taking it all in.  It was hard to keep the strength in my voice as I spoke but it was important to do just that. His strength is mine and mine his, parallel state of consciousness or not.

Last night I caught a glimpse of Darryl’s oil skin jacket, which was more or less a second skin, he wore it so much.  Darryl’s boss had brought it down from the farm.  Just seeing the jacket brought a flood of emotions to the surface.  I reached out and touched it as if to touch the Darryl who once wore it.  The pain of such a simple emotional trigger was tangible.  

Darryl, you should be wearing that jacket.  You should be taking it off as you step into the house and head straight to the fridge.  You should be sneaking a few of Brenna’s treats from the cupboard and then blaming me.  You should be sitting on the couch munching on some home baking leaving a trail of crumbs.  You should be lazing in front of the TV falling asleep as you watch the rugby.  You should be you Darryl, you should just be you, NOT this.

I love you Darryl, but more so I believe in your strength, will and courage.  That is who YOU ARE and that is what will beat THIS!

Dad

Wednesday 27th May

Published on 27 May 2009 in Progress. 9 Comments

After an hour or so of typing a posting the internet went down and I lost all but the first line!  It probably is a fair indication of how I’ve been feeling since this afternoon anyway.

I am dog tired so I will just leave you with a short overview of the day.  He is settling in well and the staff are getting to know him and his new routine well.  That is very reassuring.

Every day he makes small steps but every day I am reminded of what has become of the life he so cherished.  It is so incredibly wrong and the sense of loss is immense.    

I hope that tomorrow brings a different reality.  I hope that tomorrow brings more of you back.

Keep true to the course Darryl.  Kites fly highest into the wind and you will rise high above this reality.   You will come back, to you, not THIS.

Dad

Tuesday 26th May

Published on 26 May 2009 in Progress. 11 Comments

I had a pretty stressful night last night (well more than the usual stomach turning I have become used to) as it was Darryl’s first night with a new team, in another foreign environment.  I was delighted and relieved to arrive this morning to see Darryl resting peacefully and that he had ’slept’ well.  

Right from day one the work has begun with Darryl.  He has a fantastic team of physio’s, occupational therapists, speech therapists, Doctors, nurses, nurse assistants, the list goes on.  We have been very impressed by the way they have quickly got in tune with Darryl and his care has moved to another level in terms of his entire rehabilitation needs.

It is not exactly common for people to move to a specialist brain injury clinics like this while still in a coma, but once the patient is medically sound it is the best place for them.  A place where the needs of rehabilitation, the body’s conditioning, joints mobility, muscles tightening and shortening are worked on while the stimulation and activities assist with getting the neurons to start firing and nerve pathway to reconnect.

I worked with Darryl and the speech therapists today to demonstrate to them his level of comprehension and it was thumbs up and down to a range of questions.  He nailed them all and in quick time.  Again hard to grasp given he is not ‘awake’ so to speak, but nonetheless he is making progress each day, in little ways.  There seems so much ahead which is why I like to think in terms of day size bites, but I took great heart from a quote on the wall of the unit Darryl is in, headed up ‘patience’.  The quote said:  “The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones” The bottom line is that he is still a long way from out of the woods but this is a good place to start clearing the trees!  (And  carrying away stones). 

I had a few moments today when talking to staff about some of the little milestones he has achieved and feeling so proud.  Every now and then I catch myself saying things which really indicate the devastation that has befallen one of life’s good guys, my son and friend to so many.  Those knives of reality cut deep and swiftly.  I guess much of it has to do with me getting my head around the new environment and the true scale of the task that lay ahead for all, physically, emotionally and mentally.  

The fear of what is to come, the unknowns and the question hanging over all of us about his state of consciousness is a constant leveller and cruel in its ever-present nature.  I battle myself with this all the time and I have come to accept that fear is a natural if not uneasy companion for all on this journey, not the least Darryl who I know in my heart is aware of the plight he’s in.  The reality is however that fear is something to be faced as overcoming fear is achieved by nothing less.  As I have mentioned before Darryl’s courage is matched only by his determination to succeed and in moving forward through this hell he gives us all strength to face the fear of the unknown ahead.  

As was once said by a great leader amongst men ”if you are going through hell – keep going”.  

Keep going Darryl,  we are stronger for your courage.

Dad

   

I

Monday 25th May

Published on 25 May 2009 in Progress. 16 Comments

Today brought another chapter in Darryl’s book of recovery; he moved to rehab.  Three weeks ago the registrar spoke to us about rehab and the fact that he could well go there while still in a coma so we have had time to get used to the idea, but you do feel a sense of anxiety moving from a hospital all the same.

The rehab is a specialist facility that deals with traumatic brain injury patients and has all the bells and whistles for rehabilitation.  Darryl is in the most intensive needs unit and there is a huge team of specialists that will begin work with him and hopefully ease him back to consciousness.

It was one of those ‘twilight zone’ moments on the way out there in the ambulance.  I asked Darryl if he knew where we were going and he gave a thumbs up, he also knew we were in an ambulance and he was able to communicate his level of comfort the whole way – while in a coma!! 

We got him settled in there and put up all his cards and pictures around the place and tried to brief up the staff on him , his progress to date and what makes Darryl tick.  There had been a pretty thorough handover from the hospital team so the transition wasn’t as scary as it might have been, albeit there is nothing about this journey that doesn’t scare me.

The rehab team will spend the next week assessing Darryl and getting to know what he can and can’t cope with and then develop a plan.   What that plan looks like, how long it will be and what will ultimately be the result is anyone’s guess.  Time will tell and we must all remember that this is a marathon not a sprint.   

The next few weeks will hopefully see the positive progress continue to grow and the distance between our parallel universes close.  There are times when I have to remind myself of the life that we left behind on this day four weeks ago, but I am also aware that life is about the journey not the destination and we are all defined by the way in which we deal with the twists and turns the journey inevitably brings.  

There is no easy way for Darryl, there are just degrees of difficult.  In so many ways I wish I could unravel this mess for him and put the pieces of this jigsaw back where they should be.  But life doesn’t work like that.  It goes only one way and that is forward.  The ‘what ifs’ only serve as reminders of choices not made and are salt in the wound for those who dwell on them.  Darryl is not that guy.  He has, and always will do what needs to be, to move forward.  Looking back to him is simply a way to measure how far he has come, not what he could have done differently.

So as time moves forward so will he, safe in the knowledge that  it is in tomorrow that the endless stream of possiblities really lay, regardless of the path that got him to today.

Keep strong Darryl

Dad