171 days ago, on ANZAC day our much loved son, brother, grandson and friend of so many Darryl Sabin, entered a monumental battle of his own, the fight for his life. Today, after surviving what seemed unsurvivable and drawing on every ounce of character, spirit and determination over the past five months Darryl has made his way back to us and is home again.
Yesterday was our last day at the rehab that Darryl spent over four months at and I made good on a promise I made to Darryl on the first day we arrived there in an ambulance; we walked out of there – literally. Flanked by three of the staff from the rehab who have been so much a part of Darryl’s life and recovery, Darryl and I walked from his room, up the driveway and out the gateway and across the road to where I had parked the car.
When we got to the end of the driveway Darryl and I stopped and I turned to him and said, “you did it mate. I am so proud of you”, shortly after which we both dissolved into tears and galvinised our feelings in a hug. At that moment ,the thousands of hours of hard work, pain, tears, share grit and determination became one of freedom and achievement. There have been so many poignant moments on this journey to date but few compare to that of watching Darryl pick up the last handful of stones from that mountain which he has moved.
The day was filled with symbolism and meaning. We were privileged once again to have a visit from All Black coach Graham Henry, who made a special trip out to see us. Why? Well Graham told Darryl as he shook his hand. “I’m here because you are an inspiration Darryl, you are an inspiration to all of us and you have touched a lot of lives”. Darryl’s eyes sparkled with absolute pride (well deserved as it is) as the leader of All Black rugby, whose eyes also filled with tears, expressed his total unadulterated admiration. I have the utmost respect for him and the sincerity with which he has stood by my son. He was there on day one, just by a twist of fate and he has continued the journey wth us.
And to complete the day of symbolism we also made something of a pilgrimage back to where this journey began on D-Day. Another promise I had made to Darryl was that before we left we would go back to critical care and allow those so dedicated to saving life to share in the spoils of their labours. It was with a significant degree of trepidation that Darryl, Brenna, Catherine and I walked back up to those fateful doors into ward 82. Those doors that for so long I couldn’t even bear to look at let alone walk through. Strangely enough, as we stood waiting for one of the doctors who was expecting us, to let us in, those feeling melted away and were replaced with a sense of pride and tinged with excitement.
We met with two of the doctors who were at the coal face of Darryl’s survival, along with a lovely nurse who had been something of a rock to us in those early days. I am sure they were thrilled to see Darryl, to shake his hand (right hand at that) and to talk with him. The mortality rate from that ward is something in the order of 14 percent. Over 80 percent of people that pass through those doors will not come out alive. The fact that Darryl was one who cheated the odds, is humbling beyond anything a parent should ever experience, but something I will treasure selfishly.
Having shared our journey with the staff we went to the exact area (or space as it is called) that Darryl was in while in that ward. It was like stepping though into a parallel universe, but this time with a suit of armour adorned to deflect the thousands of knives that had previously cut away at vulnerable emotions. Darryl was shown around the space and was wide eyed as the nurse talked him through the equipment that supported his survival as he clung tenuously to life. It was a surreal experience and one that will hopefully give Darryl a mental reference point of the journey at its outset and for us a degree of closure and a step towards healing those scars which remain unquestionably raw.
It was literally a case of closing the door as we walked back out of those doors and turned around to look back and share another one of the hugs. (photo below) ’Clunk’….. another door closes.
It was a day of reflection, a day to celebrate and a day to set free the months of hurt which can now make way for the months of healing and growth. Today as we drove north for just the second time since D-Day, we did so with the burden lifting from our hearts and a sense of simmering excitement and anticipation.
When we get home, rehab will take on a different look and focus. Living so close to the beach will provide great opportunities to improve his walking, going to the shop will double as speech language therapy and going to the gym, Jim will be as we know it now. We are fortunate enough to live within a short walking distance of the Mangonui Health and Fitness Centre, which is a great gym and somewhere we both used to go before D-Day. We have been talking for months about getting back up there and doing a real workout programme and tomorrow we’ll be straight up there. Just settling back into a normal gym routine amongst friends will be something to cherish and I am confident it will take Darryl to the next level again which is where we need to be heading.
There is a long way to go – yes, but being home will provide the right environment to move forward with real purpose. Darryl has moved one mountain but behind it lay many other hills. But the way is now clear, the future he so nearly lost now lies ahead of him again. And with every milestone achieved and each challenge surpassed has come a sense of belief that fosters the hope and possibility that is the fabric of a truly fulfilling life.
Darryl will never know the horror he lived through in those early days. His life will always have a blind spot where ours has blinding pain. It is an ironic relief that hand in hand with his brain injury comes complete amnesia of that period that of his life that was resting on a knife edge. Perhaps one day he will read these entries and know in some way just how frightening the journey was at it’s outset, but I am grateful beyond words that any awakening to this reality will be from the outside, in.
It has been a long five months, for my family, for Darryl’s family on his mother’s side and for all who have been close to Darryl in this part of the journey. Everyone has hurt, everyone has cried, everyone has lived through a nightmare of unique and unparalleled proportions. For my family personally this has been a long standing challenge. Over two years ago we were faced with what has amounted to a prelude to this life-changing event and we have lived with fear in our hearts ever since. On D-Day myself, Catherine and Brenna packed up our lives in a matter of minutes and relocated to Aucklnad where we have all been throughout this journey. While I have kept my focus on Darryl, Catherine, to her credit, was determined to keep us all together as a family and just got on with making that happen. The power of family is something you often take for granted until it comes to the fore in times of need.
On behalf of everyone close to Darryl I also want to thank those of you who have supported not only Darryl, but us. This has affected all of you too, I am sure and we are grateful to you for being strong enough to share in this journey with him and us. The strength, hopes, prayers and good wishes of so many have I’m sure contributed to this day.
So what have I learnt through this ordeal? I’m not sure there is any one lesson I can take from this given the multitude of challenges that confronted us, not to mention the emotional turmoil that rained monsoon-like throughout and no doubt still will. For me, in many ways being focused on Darryl’s survival was a key to my own. There were many days that if I had stopped to think about what was going on and what I was trying to deal with, all while fending off the doubt that pervaded any quiet moments, I could have quite conceivably unravelled. Therein lies one of the most important lessons I think. That is, when all around you seems to be falling apart that somehow you must summon the power of the human spirit to overcome the adversity and push back against the doubt.
How is this achieved? I’m not really sure other than to say that Darryl did it even while in a coma. He did it when there seemed on a flicker of hope and when doubt and pain filled the air all around him. The human spirit exists in us all and perhaps it is when life begins to slide through our fingers that it comes to the fore. Or perhaps it is fear that drives it. I do know that I relied on Darryl to ’survive’ as much as he relied on me. I focused on nothing other than being everything he needed and my strength came from knowing that he needed all that could be given, something heightened by the thought of losing him. In any event, when the going gets tough, there is only one way to go and grief, self pity and sorrow have no place in ‘getting going’. Believe in what can be and needs to be achieved and seek out and find strength from that part of you which remains untapped until you show the courage to reach out for it through the fear and pain.
Beyond that, I think the most valuable lesson I can share is that your instinct as a parent, is at it’s heart, unquestionable. Relying on instinct in a life or death situation is the most frightening thing I can possibly think of. Instinct is typically something you question until you have the benefit of hindsight to confirm its validity, or lack of, as the case may be. When life hangs in the balance there is cold comfort in the fact that your instinct is telling you something that your eyes and ears are not seeing and hearing. But time and time again through this, my instinct has proven itself right. It seemed to be heightened to some extent and I quickly learned to trust it , albeit feeling as if I was trapped in a game of medical Russian Roulette with my son’s, life on the line. Of course it is easier to say this now that I can look back, but the reality is in these situations, you don’t have that luxury at the time, you just have to act or react on what you feel.
There is an incredibly steep learning curve involved in reading and understanding your instinct in these circumstances, but again it seems to me that the higher the stakes, the more keen the instincts are inclined to become. Having the courage to act on them and trust them is where the challenge really lies. But if the feeling in your gut persists and grows, it is something that you ignore at your peril, or even worse, possibly at someone elses.
Throughout this I have come to know my son in a way that few will do. I have found strength that only the fear of losing your child can bring and I have needed every last drop of it. Darryl’s life has been redefined by this experience as mine has been equally enriched. There have been many days when I have had to cling to the slim threads of hope I convinced myself must exist. There have been many days when the tears have been hard to hide from Darryl and my heart has ached to the point I swear it could have slowed to a stop. This has been a test for us both in many ways and one that we both had to face front on. The options, as in the Shawshank Redemption, were simple – get busy living, or get busy dying. He chose life and I chose to help him get it all back. From there it was just hard work and never stopping to let doubt catch up.
And today is V-Day. He has made it back. He has made the long way home…..
This will be the last message posted on this site. This door needs to close now too, but now he is back it is fitting that Darryl is the one to close it. So this evening I spoke with Darryl about his journey and I have written below his words and thoughts for you.
When I started to come around I didn’t feel good. I was really confused about where I was and what had happened to me. I was sad because I was going to have to dig myself out of it. I didn’t know what had happened to me or how. It seems like not very long ago I started to realise what actually happened to me. I started to ask Dad whether it happened playing rugby. My gut feeling told me it was, but it was pretty hard to comprehend.
When I asked my Dad if it was rugby that caused it and he told me it was, I disappointed and hurt because I nearly lost my life playing the game I love. I was also so confused about my body and the way I felt trapped in it. The care I was receiving and the motivation from my Dad helped pull me through that until things started to make a bit more sense.
I don’t remember anything about what happened or a lot of the things leading up to my injury. My first real new memories start around the time of going to the first All Black test match and going to the captain’s run and meeting the All Blacks. I was elated by that and I remember how I felt standing with the All Blacks to have a photo taken. Sitivini Sivivatu was standing next to me, holding me up. Standing up for the anthem at the game the next day was special and being beside the reserves on the sideline is something I’ll never forget.
Graham Henry is a ‘good bugger’, he came and saw me on my last day at the rehab and of course he came when I just got there too. I can’t remember that but I ‘ve got the photos and video to prove it. Sandy, the All Black’s manager has been so good to me and allowed me to get involved with the All Blacks and feel a part of the team. He’s a good bugger as well. Stephen McDonald and Tanerau Latimer have been amazing as well. I know they came to visit me in those early days (according the photos) and they have always come and talked to me and shared their words of support each time I have caught up with the team. I feel really lucky and proud to have been a part of that All Black culture .
Rehab has been a tough process and I am glad I had so many good people helping me out there. I know they were all working hard to try and help me get better. I was glad that I was there, but I am really glad I have left there too. I want my life back and I am so glad to be home. Dad and I walked out of the rehab and that felt good. I was overjoyed. I have achieved what I needed to and it was time to move on. It was good having a ‘man love moment’ with Dad when we had walked out of the driveway. It was a damn good hug.
Yesterday, Dad, Catherine, Brenna and I went back to critical care at Auckland Hospital to see where I was when this first happened. It was an overpowering experience. It was an unreal feeling to see the people who looked after me when I was so sick. When we went to the space in the ward where my old bed was it stirred my feelings and gave me a sense of how bad things must have been. But it also gave me a sense of how good it is to be alive. It was a powerful experience and I’m so glad I had such good people looking after me.
I am lucky to have had the family and friends that I do to support me through this. It’s meant everything to have that support. From my close family and grandparents to cousins, workmates and friends from school. Jason Barrell has been an inspiration to me and I am glad he came to see me. Brenna, my sister has been a helpful nurse and her and Catherine being around made me feel that things were kind of normal. That was a good thing. Lots of hugs and cuddles from Brenna was a good thing for both of us I think. I am proud of my brother Brook and how well he is doing with his job on TV, all while keeping an eye out for me and coming to see me whenever he could. In particular, my Uncle Len has been ‘O’ for awesome for helping me through so many hard times and being there for Dad too. He’s a good bugger too. And then there’s my Dad.
Dad, I love you. You deserve a medal for what you’ve done. It’s meant the world to me to have you there with me every day. You’ve helped me through all those hard times. You picked me up when I was down and put me back on my feet again – literally.
Our relationship has grown stronger with every minute we have spent together through this tough ordeal. I am so thankful that you were always there to fall back on when times were tough. You worked so hard every day to help me get better and get my body working again. We are as strong as an ox together.
I am so proud you are my Dad and I am so lucky I had you to help me get home and get my life back.
I love you very much Dad.
Darryl James Sabin
7th of October 2009
A fairy-tale end to a nightmare for you all.
Well done Darryl – you are a walking miracle. Grab life with both hands and enjoy every moment. You deserve it.
Mike – you are one incredible father. The words you have written over the last 5 months have been so heart-felt and moving – indescribable really.
Celebrate! and celebrate every day. You can be so proud of yourself for the journey you have made. Keep up the great work Darryl and may everything that’s good in this life come your way.
Kindest regards
Kim Parker (Auckland)
Welcome Home! It’s hard not to get choked up thinking back to that day in ICU seeing all the tubes attached to you and I said quietly so only you, Eric and I could hear (was probably afraid of getting evicted by staff Or your Dad) ‘boy you got urself in a right mess this time aye Darryl’ (and you Had), then ‘but knowing you, you’ll fight your way back’ barely in time before the nurse said, ’sorry guys you’ll have to leave’ so we got booted out of the room anyway. And you Have fought back! Boy have you fought back – Long and Hard! You make us All Very Proud! Can’t wait to catch up again…till then, BEHAVE!
Well there you have it.
Darryl, you are a bloody legend.
no words can really describe the impact you have had on so many people, Far and wide. I’m not sure if your aware, but you have a bit of a fan club down here, who im sure will let me speak for them when i say it has been nothing short of a bloody honor seeing somebody not only rise up to the rough chickenshit swell fate sent you into, but comming through and ripping it up.
You are amazing and a true inspiration dude, never forget that.
and i hope one day i will have the pleasure to shake your hand and tell you that face to face. as would much of Southland.
until then, All the best with this next leg of your journey, and may the force be with you.
as you know, bloody anything is possible now, and you have an enormous wing of people behind you, and your amazing whanau at your side to help you achieve anything. and im sure you will!
keep sailing on mate,
the rock vibes will continue to flow your way.
Kaua ma te waewae tutuki, engari me te upoko pakaru, e hoa.
Warmest regards,
Kristy Pearson
Well done Darryl and Mike. Thank you for sharing this journey with us all.I came online to tell you about this amazing book I have just read–TRY, TRY, AGAIN—-Jason Barrells story.Our Youngest daughter was in Jasons class during Sec. School.I was pleased to see that Darryl had been visited by him.What an inspiring story.You have to read it Darryl.Thank you once again and good luck with rest of your journey.
Well done Darryl, you’ve got an amazing team behind you.
The going has been tough, it’s great to hear the tough are heading back home to Northland
Kia Kaha
I am really grad that you can go back home now, Darryl. I have been following your procress from the day one.
Now I heard that this is the lat massage on this blog. I feel like up set to leaving you but I guess this is the only way to do it.
I really hope you will more enjoy your life after this and come up to our group sometimes! People from your old school were joined your supporting group on facebook and your good mate Wayen is one of the admin as well. I really looking forward to see you soon.
Good Luck and All the best.
Very best wishes for your life ahead Darryl.Those of us who have followed your story will keep an eye out for news of you in years to come.
Mike-I have the utmost respect and admiration for your tenacity endurance and just inspirational fatherly love.It has made me very aware of my shortcomings and given me [and many others I'm sure] the chance to lift our games…when all is well and its easy!!!!My boys will see better dad.
Hope our paths cross some day.
The Dazzla
This has been a truley humbling and remarkable journey for the Tubbs Family, You hold such a special place in our hearts and to
come that close to loosing you really highlighted how much you
really mean to us, Glad we got to share in your trip back home and look forward to catching up with you this side!!!!
Chin up Dazzla, and bring on the summer sun hey!!!
Here’s to a thousand more good times!!!
Love and respect
Tubbs Family
Welcome home Daryl.
I have followed your sons progress from the beginning. Even though I don’t know your son and your family, as a mother and a nurse I have felt your pain and your joy as you went though an incredible journery with your son. I am sad that you won’t be writing any more but really happy that this chapter in your life has closed. Thank you for sharing with us. God Bless Theresa
What an amazing journey you have been on Darryl. I have followed your story from the very beginning, and have shed many many tears for you and your family.
What you have been through is too close to what my own family (my sister and brother) have been through – twice, but our outcome was not to be as wonderful as yours.
You are an inspiration to all with what you have been through to have achieved what you have so far. You now know that whatever you set you mind to, you can and will achieve it to the very best of your ability.
As for the love from your Dad, he has been absolutely amazing in his dedication to you, even when the going was really rough, he has not only been there but he has kept us all informed of what was happening. Mike – you rock!
I am really going to miss these weekly updates, but I guess I will no longer have to remind myself every week …. Read about Darryl BEFORE you put your makeup on!!!!
Darryl, all the best for an even brighter future than you may have had before this nightmare began.
All the very best
Andrea from the wonderful Waikato.
Andrea
Thank you for this incredible journey we have been on with you,
to share this with everyone when going through so much yourself
has been an inspiration to all of us
It is fitting to end the story now, and move forward,
I know you will make the most of your new life.
Thank you for helping us all grow a bit taller too.
Marilyn
Well done and welcome back to the beautiful far north. What better place to be especially on a day like today. Thanks so much for sharing this amazing journey with us all Mike, and yes I so will miss my Monday morning read. You two are an awesome team, and an inspiration to everyone. All the very best Darryl I know you will keep on keeping on. Here’s to a wonderful summer, full of fun and happiness.
Cheers and best wishes
WAY TO GO DARRYL
Awesome news, great stuff.
Enjoy being at home, you deserve it!!
WOWSAH!!!!!
Aint been on here for ages!Was checking in to see how you are… And would you look at that,your HOME!
That so kool,kinda lost for words.
Youve done well, Keep it up!!!
And i will see you around one day!!!
Yahoo – you are home! Fantastic news.
The sun seems to have shined brighter in Northland this last week and we have no doubt it is because of the “radiant glow” from the Doubtless Bay Sabin homestead. Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you.
We are so proud of you Darryl – you have beaten all the odds(and the evens too). You are a true inspiration. We understand that it has been sheer hard work, commitment, courage and love that has brought you this far – long may that continue.
In our own tough times we will think of your journey and we know it will lift us and give us the reality check we all need once in a while. Please know we have also grown in many ways through your journey – you have touched and changed lives in ways you could never imagine, or will possibly never know.
Thank you Sabin family (Mike, Catherine, Brook, Brenna, Uncle Len{and your amazing poem}, Mike’s parents and support network) but especially Mike, for allowing us all to share Darryl’s journey through this website and the blog. It has been a privilege.
The Thompson-Davies whanau
Ive started this message 3 times now! So glad you are both able to be back at your home up North. Ill miss your updates but thats a good thing, an excellent thing really. Mike you need to go into writing, you so know all the right words and how to phrase things. Darryl in my eyes you ARE an All Black. Strong, determined, and good looking!
God Bless,
Much love to all Sabin Family.
HOLY SHIT
excuse my french but holy shit!!!
well done darryl
youve made so many proud and its not only been the biggest life changing thing for you but also everyone esle that have ever cared for you
walk out those doors knowing you have knowledege about life that noone else have
i no for myself its been a challenging experience amnd i bet the same for evey one else
i cant wait to catch up!
love absolutly always!!
miss you like crazy
your mate
bonXx:)
Welcome back to the “winterless” north Darryl! Glad you are back home and we’ll be seeing you soon. Thanks Mike for these wonderful updates, you have done an amazing thing for your son.
Dazzal !!!!
Keep Dazzling!!!!
XxXx Lulu*.
Just checked out the blog today to see how you were. What a journey! Well done Darryl. Enjoy the summer up North. May God bless you and your family.Take care.
Hey Darryl great news my friend i hope to see you soon
Look to the only one who can fill your soul.
Blessings and all the best for the future.
Sue.
When there was only one set of footprints in the sand, that was when i carried you. Now there are two sets , i am walking beside you my son!!!!
Darryl, you are an inspiration to mankind!
Kia kaha!!!
Bill Thurston
Hi Sabin family.
I hope Darryl is still going full steam ahead. We’d just like to wish you all a merry christmas and a very happy new year.
Best wishes, Sue Gibbons and Family
Hi Darryl and Mike
I heard both of you being interviewed on National Radio this morning. Good on you for sharing your story and your journey.
Hang in Darryl. Our bodies, including our brains. have an amazing capacity to heal.
In 1996 my brain was seriously damaged as the result of a virus. At that time, two neurologists gave no hope of any recovery.
I have since discovered that in 1998 Prof Richard Faull, of Auckland University, and his team were the first in the world to prove that we generate new brain cells. Richard was awarded the Rutherford Science Award, NZ’s top science award, last year. I only learned of Richard’s research about two years ago. I found it so encouraging and strongly belief that having a window of hope is like a light at the end of the tunnel.
I wrote to Richard and faxed a copy of my brain scan report to him. I am fortunate to have had a chat with Richard and he said that I, and many others like me, are proof that their research is true.
I’m writing to encourage you to keep in going. I know that for many years I felt that I would never have an enjoyable life. At one point I was unable to read or write and if someone spoke to me my concentration span was a maximum of two sentences. After six years I was able to use a computer again. I still can’t read or write for very long, but I can for a short time. I value everything that I had lost and regained. It has all taken time. I read in a book called Quantum Wellness a great sentence, that said something like “lean towards what you want”
Recently I smashed my little finger in the wardrobe sliding door. It has taken many months to grow out and it is now almost repaired. As I’ve watched it heal, I have marvelled at the body’s capacity to heal.
Looking back, it was my fear of never being well enough to enjoy life that really sapped my energy and every day my negative thoughts poisoned my day.
Darryl and Mike I honour the guts you both have and know that with the right beliefs, dedication and making the best of every day that we get there. We may never be who we were. We may never do the things that we did before, but we sure can reach a place where we feel life is worth living and precious.
I have learned to adjust to my new life. So far, I have not been able to return to work, yet I realise that life comes in many shapes and forms and that my life is worth living, even with limitations. My life is filled with laughter and love. I continue to do the best I can to improve, but now enjoy life as it is right now, in the moment.
I have found acupuncture extremely beneficial and have read, on a number of occasions, that acupunture is beneficial to the brain.
I go to a chinese acupunturist and herbalist, at Bellevue Health Centre in Mt Eden, in Auckland (phone 630-6331). Many of his patients take only the herbs. Some because they don’t like needles and others because they live some distance away or overseas. He has helped people with an amazing range of ailments. I have recommended him to many people and all feel that they have benefitted.
I recently met a lady that does work to repair the brain. Her website is http://www.family-focus.co.nz Her name is Noeline Levinson and she uses sound therapy to evoke changes in the brain. I have not tried her treatment, but she was suggested to me by a friend.
Perhaps next year I will investigate it further.
Whatever you choose to do, I encourage you to sense what feels right for you and to give it a go for long enough to have a chance of helping. Many things that have benefitted me, took a long time to show results.
Initially I tried to reason, in my head, what choices to make. After a few years I learned to follow my gut instinct, including when to start and when to stop. I also listened to every suggestions and kept all information offered to me. I have boxes full of stuff. I heard a doctor on the radio say that after the brain that the gut has the most nerves and that is why it is called the second brain. If my gut response was to try something, I would then shift to my head to look at the logistics of it all. How was I going to get there and could I afford the treatment.
I look forward to revisiting your blog and reading of your progress, that I am confident will continue to expand.
If you want to write and ask me anything you are most welcome.
Love and blessings to you Darryl and all your family and friends
Gail